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Always Begin Again

Sitting at the pool, my only real outing during this pandemic, I read the final pages of Jennifer Louden’s new bookWhy Bother?”. (It’s always both exhilarating and a bit of a downer when you finish a good book . . . and this one’s a good one!). 

I read the words, “Always begin again."

This was said to her by one of the earthly angels that seem to appear in all of our lives to say just what we need to hear when our heart is wedged open enough to let the juicy stuff in.

“Always begin again."

She goes on, “As in have mercy on yourself.  You’ll always lose your way, give up, doubt yourself.  It’s inevitable.  So don’t be surprised by it." 

“Always begin again."

Could this be true, I wondered?  Is it okay to begin again?  To start over?  Should we expect to stop or flounder or hit our heads against the wall?

I know this “starting over” rather intimately.  It seems I spend more time, re-imagining what I want—forever forcing myself to dig even deeper to find my inner mojo to make things happen. I feel I've spent more time declaring what I want rather than having/creating what I want.

I have more journals than you can count and on most of their pages is my messy scrawl cataloging the things I want, the mindset shifts I need to make in order to bring my desires into fruition . . . and always an undercurrent of pessimism and doubt.

“Always begin again."

So, I close “Why Bother?” take a dip in the pool because it’s HOT and then return to my lounge chair. 

“Always begin again."

Is it possible what I call “fits and starts” is really the way things go down for most people?  Could it be I’ve been romanticizing living ON PURPOSE,  believing that, if I was doing it right, meant I was flowing through life on a seamless, effortless ride?

What if sputtering and choking out is normal?  What if second guessing and having low times and re-calibrating is part of the journey?  

“Always begin again."

What would life be like if I quit judging the part of me that all too often has to sit down and ask myself the same questions over and over again?

Questions like, “What do I really want?”  Why do I want this?  What am I willing to do to have what I want?  How can I love myself more deeply and allow what I desire to come in?  What do I have to offer the world?  Why is it important for me to share my gifts?

“Always begin again."

Asking these questions is rarely easy.  In truth, I roll my eyes every time I sit down with yet a new journal to answer these questions . . . again.  I’m 57 and have been doing this same dance for longer than I can remember.  Most days I just want to scream, “I WANT THE LIFE I WANT RIGHT NOW, for God’s sake!!!”

Sitting down and writing the same things over and over and over brings up my inner critic (who I’ve named Sasha) who, in her best snarky voice, chastises me for not having gotten the things I’ve been writing down for the last 30 years. 

She berates me, she cuts me off at the knees, she does her dead-level best to make me feel that I’m doing it all wrong.  That I should have that 6-figure business by now.  That I should be my ideal weight, for cryin’ out loud.  That I should be completely carb-free, toned and fit, on my 4th book and have a ba-zillion followers on social media. 

“Always begin again."

But what if “arriving” at the ideal is a load of bullshit?  What if it really is “the journey” or as they say, “the ride”?  What if coming back to the blank canvas of your life IS what it means to live ON PURPOSE?

What if beginning again is not a sign of failure or of not being diligent enough or serious enough or smart enough or committed enough?  What if beginning again is the crucial step to living ON PURPOSE Lying there with the sun baking my skin, which I know is so bad for me but  I love it so much, I felt a little ease in my chest muscle.  I’m going to call this self-compassion or perhaps maybe even a bit of forgiveness.  What if coming back to the question of “What do I want?” is doing it right?   What if the point is to “Always begin again." PS:  Are you ready to begin again--to craft the life you really want?  Are you ready to live more ON PURPOSE?  Lets see if I can help you with that.  Schedule a no-cost Discovery session and lets see what we can do together!!


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